Diabolical debate

Your friend is planning to leave her husband. You believe she's making a big mistake. Should you tell her what you think?

YOUR friend tells you she's about to walk out on her husband. You believe she's got overly romantic ideas about married life and is not giving the relationship a proper chance. Do you hold your tongue for the sake of your friendship, or tell her what you really think?

• Rosie, 23, Diane, 32, April, 32, Laura, 47, are all from Edinburgh

DIANE: I'd say that you have to find a way to tell her. I had a friend in a similar situation but I didn't feel I could say anything. She eventually left the guy and is now dating again, but is as unrealistic as ever. I don't know that my being frank with her would have saved her previous relationship, but it might have made a difference to how she perceives relationships, so I think I should have said something.

APRIL: I'm not so sure. It's not up to you to act as judge, jury and executioner on her 'unreasonable behaviour'. Yes, she may be being unreasonable in your eyes, but it's her that's in this relationship, not you. We've all been in a situation where it's difficult to draw the boundaries between what is reasonable and what's not. The question isn't whether or not you think her behaviour is up to scratch, it's about her happiness.

LAURA: Well, it is about happiness, and that's why I'd sit my friend down and say, 'Let's look at this rationally.' At the end of that she might still want to end her relationship, but she'll have a better idea why that is. I'd try to get her to explore the idea that it's no-one's job to make you happy – except, of course, yourself – and that much of the time we are not happy and things are a slog. That's what makes happiness, however fleeting, so cool. Does she have an unrealistic idea of how often she's supposed to be happy?

ROSIE: The thing is, one of my pet hates is women who pick at their relationships when there's not much wrong. So many women seem to expect perfection from their other half and really whine when they don't get it. It's the Carrie Bradshaw syndrome: in Sex and the City she always whined about the tiniest details in her relationships, then complained about being single. You have to work hard to make a relationship good, and that includes accepting that there are some things you'll like about your partner more than others. I'd tell her in no uncertain terms to pull herself together.

DIANE: The thing is, if you're close friends, you ought to be able to talk about awkward things without falling out for ever: you certainly ought to know enough about your friend to figure out your approach. If you don't think she'll listen to you, then maybe she would listen to someone impartial. Suggest they get some counselling as a couple to look at where they've gone wrong and what they can do to put it right.

LAURA: I think a lot depends on the specifics. Can she pinpoint exactly what he's doing to make her unhappy? Maybe she should make a list. In other words, is she really giving more, more, more? Has she tried talking about any of this with him? If not, I'd encourage her to do so and give her some tools for that – you know, all the bog-standard stuff. 'Don't say, "You take me for granted all the time" but do say, "I feel unappreciated when you…".' Having said that, it might be that her partner does actually take her for granted and it's only when I sit down and hear all the gory details that I understand the full scope of it. That's why it is important to talk to her in the first place.

ROSIE: Ultimately, the perfect person isn't out there, and if she leaves her partner in pursuit of him then she's on an endless quest. If telling her that sort of thing was the kind of thing that she'd let damage our friendship, then I'd consider her too wet to have as a friend anyway.