THE wedding season is upon us, and with it comes a peculiar brand of social stress. We all know about the trials and tribulations of being a bride, but what about the agonies (and, if you’re lucky, ecstasies) of being one of her guests? It’s all right for the happy couple who make all their arrangements weeks or months in advance for their Big Day. The rest of us must fret about outfits, presents and social niceties until we arrive at the ceremony. Even then, there are vexing issues to test one’s knowledge of social mores.
So, to take the worry out of the occasion, we have assembled a panel of wedding etiquette experts to answer some questions that have taxed hapless guests for as long as man – and wife – can remember.
THE BIG DAYWhen should I arrive for the ceremony?SH: Plan to arrive around 15 minutes before the ceremony is due to begin.
Should I take plenty of cash in my pocket for drinks, or can I expect a free bar?RN: A free bar is not the norm in Scotland, but often the couple will provide a drink on arrival at the reception and a couple of glasses of wine for each person during the meal, then champagne to toast the speeches.
To whom should I be sure to speak?MM: The bride and groom, obviously, but if there’s a receiving line then that’s your opportunity to speak to, and thank, all the other important people – such as the parents.
If there’s no receiving line, and the bride’s parents are the hosts, it is polite to seek them out and thank them.
Can I take photographs while the photographer is taking their official photos?SH: Yes, but not flash photography. It stops the photographer being able to do their job quickly. During the ceremony, it would be considered rude to take photographs unless invited to do so.
RN: Most photographers are used to this, and have ways of dealing with it, however annoying they must find it. Remember they have a limited window of opportunity with the stars of the day. Also, the bride and groom may find it off-putting to be confronted with a row of paparazzi.
Should I hang my head in shame if my other half heckles the father of the bride during his speech?RN: No, this will add to the atmosphere as long as what he says is funny and not so rude that it offends sensitive types.
Repeated heckling is different, though: it will just put the speaker off their stride and annoy everyone who wants to hear what they have to say. Making a speech can be a very emotional experience for a parent, so don’t make it any harder.
Can I announce my own good news (engagement, pregnancy, etc) while all my pals are gathered at my friends’ wedding?RN: Not unless you want bridezilla to rear her ugly head. The day is all about the happy couple: your own good news can wait.
They have probably spent years and thousands of pounds planning the wedding, so it’s not very nice to steal their thunder.
The only people we know are the bride and groom, and they’re a bit busy. Do we have to make new friends?RN: It will be much more fun if you do, and one of the nicest things for a bride and groom to see is people from different aspects of their lives coming together and mixing well on the day.
It will also be nice for you to put faces to names that you’ve heard the bride and groom talk about in the past too.
When can we go home?SH: Never before the first dance and, strictly speaking, not before the newlyweds have departed.
But if they look locked together on the dance floor and plan to be the last to leave, then you might need to make your excuses.
THE DRESS CODEIt says black tie: does that mean men have to wear a dinner jacket, morning coat or highland regalia? What should women wear? RN: Black tie generally means the couple want you to go looking as formal and smart as possible. For men in Scotland, that means a bow tie and Prince Charlie jacket with their kilt, or a dinner jacket. For women, go as glamorous as you can, with a cocktail or evening dress. If you’re unsure, just ask the couple to clarify what they meant.
Can I wear a white dress?SH: A white or off-white dress or suit is perfectly acceptable, so long as it doesn’t look like bridal wear.
MM: Generally this is a no-no. If you really, really want to wear your white dress, then speak to the bride. If she has no problem with it, then you’ll be OK, but don’t be offended if she says no. It’s her big day and her prerogative to have the only white dress in the room! If you’re the mother or aunt of the groom or bride then this still applies.
RN: Even if the bride has okayed your white dress, she may only have done so out of politeness. In short, white is best avoided. If you decide to go for it, be aware that the other guests may wonder what you were thinking. Some may even assume you’ve done it out of spite!
Hats on or off during the reception and meal?RN: Traditionally, guests wouldn’t take their hats off until the mother of the bride had done so, but these days you’re unlikely to get dirty looks for breaking what’s a pretty outdated convention.
THE PRESENTThere’s no wedding list – the couple just want cheques. What should I do, especially if my other half vehemently disapproves?DC: If you dislike the thought of writing a cheque, why not buy them vouchers for the theatre, or find out where they are spending their honeymoon and treat them to a bottle of champagne or a spa session in the hotel?
SH: It is your choice what to give, so if you prefer to send a gift then do so.
How much should I spend on a present?CH: The average is around £70, but many gifts come from couples, so if you’re going alone you can buy a gifts from the lower end without feeling mean.
RN: Nobody should feel pressured to spend more than they can afford. How much also depends on how close you are to the couple. Consider clubbing together with mutual friends for something more substantial. One couple we featured recently returned from honeymoon to find their best friends had left them a flat-screen TV with a bow tied round it – a great surprise and a nice way to help stave off the post-honeymoon blues. Beware of research that suggests very high figures for “average spends” on wedding presents: sometimes these polls are published by the gift-list companies.
When should I send the present? Or should I take it to the wedding?CH: If the gift is from a gift-list company it will be sent directly to the couple. If you’re choosing your own present, it’s nice for the newlyweds to come back to it after the honeymoon – there is always too much to do beforehand. If you are taking the gift to the wedding, bear in mind the couple won’t have much time to open it and someone has to assume the responsibility for taking it home – they won’t want to take it to their first-night hotel!
Should I send a congratulations card if I’m attending the wedding?SH: It is not obligatory, but it’s a nice touch. What is important is that you reply to the invitation within a month of the wedding and that you send a hand-written thank-you letter or card (not an e-mail) to whoever hosted the wedding, within a week of the celebration.
THE PANEL• Ros Nash, editor of the Scottish Wedding Directory and Real Life Weddings magazines (
www.scottishweddingdirectory.co.uk)
• Sarah Haywood (
www.sarahhaywood.co.uk and
www.weddingbible.co.uk), AKA the Wedding Doctor, is a wedding planner and the author of The Wedding Bible and The Wedding Bible Planner.
• Cathy Howes, Maia Morris and Debbie Codd all work for You and Your Wedding magazine (
www.youandyourwedding.co.uk)
The full article contains 1478 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
