Going to the dogs

Ionce remember being very impressed with the chat-up line: "I’m in a horse syndicate. Would you like to come and visit the legs that I own and see how fast it runs?"

Well, impressed for about two seconds because those playboy types with their Martinis don’t really do it for me. I did, though, have to do a double-take the other day when somebody told me they were part of a dog syndicate.

This is the latest LA trend for those who want to appear as if they have the personality of a dog owner, yet have none of the real commitment. I have heard of it spreading across the planet among the lazy, the disloyal and the disgruntled, who seem to think that an animal is a fashion accessory.

There have been movies about it, there have been situation comedies based on dog owners who walk their dogs, the dogs meet and the owners fall in love.

The less saccharine version of the truth, according to Paul, an acquaintance of mine, is that dogs have great pulling power.

"If you’re walking something that’s friendly, strong and cute, you definitely get girls coming up to you. You strike up a conversation that way. I’ve always wanted a chocolate Labrador but because I live part of the time in New York, I thought it was impossible. Now, I’m doing a dog share with a woman in my building with the very same breed. I feel that chocolate Labradors say everything I want to have said about me, that I’m solid and capable and friendly, soft, loyal, and I like it that they’re so good looking, classy."

Yes, but Paul, that might be the message you want to give but the truth is, how friendly is it to turf an animal out in the street every other week, or at least to the upstairs apartment?

But he insists half a dog is so much more rewarding than a whole dog. This is a man who once took in a stray cat, was in love with it for a minute until he realised shock, horror, it shed fur. In LA, where most things are designer-made rather than heartfelt, it’s obvious that dog syndicating has taken off as a way to meet people because it’s sometimes harsh and alienating and people like to feel they’re at one with nature.

There’s a specific walk up Runyan Canyon which is a celebrity fest. Actress Julianne Moore goes there to power walk the same time every day and several naked-torso babes find it’s quite the thing to do. It’s a perfect excuse to stay fit without the mechanics of the treadmill.

Other girls are dressed in exercise clothes, but fashionista exercise clothes. It’s not as if it’s a question of should I wear eyeliner to the gym. It’s about creating a whole new flirt wardrobe, because there’s plenty of prey.

Vincent Gallo was spotted the other day, walking his dog, Baby, a white hound. He seems to have teamed up with a French chick with a small dog called Deuxieme. k.d. Lang walks, but with a girlfriend. Amanda de Cadenet walks with a hungry look on her face and a dog. Reese Witherspoon has a British bulldog. Robbie Williams walks with two dogs, mutty hounds, and sometimes in a group of four friends. These dogs can’t be wholly his because when he returns to London, he’ll have the quarantine problem.

My friend, photographer Fergus Greer, walks his dog Fritzy there every day at the same time and is more than a little upset.

"I’ve often noticed the same dog with a different owner and at first I thought it was just a dog walker but then I realised how the dog was being used as an accessory. They’re an obvious talking point, but I think it’s appalling and sick. The dogs are being used as a symbol to show ‘I am a dog owner’, which means; ‘I am kind and responsible, level headed, real, loyal, trustworthy’ when, in fact, absolutely the opposite is true. This is one of these ‘only in LA’ moments."

Paul disagrees. "Do you know how hard it is to meet somebody in LA? It has the world’s worst track record for romance and if a dog is better at breaking the ice at parties, why not?"

Just because it’s out in the open air and it seems clean and healthy, the idea is not. It’s about celebrity stalking. It’s about if I own a quarter of this cute doggie, it might run up to Reese and her doggie and we might become best friends. Or, if some single celebrity is there alone, unguarded except by their beast, it’s a perfect opportunity to suck up to them, to pretend you have something in common when you don’t.

Another pick-up zone is Petco, a store designed for pets that appeals to successful singles. Remember when it was a fad to look inside someone’s supermarket basket and if they were a Serrano Ham and buffalo mozzarella type, that meant you had a bond? This is the same deal, but for cat and dog people. They have bins with pet toys by the checkout tills that operate in a similar way to pacifying sweets for children. So, while your whippet is whipping her head into the bucket, the bulldog on the other side, might be attached to something a little hunkier.

People who are into their pets because of the accessories that go with them love it here. In fact, a purchase recently for Slut, Hollywood and Mr Love at this very store was a litter rug so those irritating litter grains don’t get between their paw pads. It’s not that Petco itself is a bad place because it is into providing indulgence for animals, it’s just that the accessory industry has made owning an animal suspiciously designery, especially if you only own a paw or an ear, or some other quarter.

The only romance that should happen on Runyan Canyon is dog romance. Fritzy, the Jack Russell met Clover the Jack Russell and now they have eight puppies together who are all now owned by fully fledged human beings, one woman or one man, one dog.

While it’s perfectly agreeable for a person to have more than one dog, it’s never the case that it’s not mentally debilitating for a dog to have more than one owner.