If breaking up is hard to do, how much easier is it, breaking up second time around? It’s a question that HRH the Princess Royal is reported to have been pondering: the body language between her and her second husband, Tim Laurence, would indicate that the passage of true love has been running far from sweet and, though no-one would wish them ill, it may be that the famously self-reliant princess will choose to go it alone.
In Scotland in 2001 there were 10,631 divorce decrees, about 30 per cent of the number of marriages (29,621). The vast majority were first-time divorcees; but 3,088 individuals had been previously divorced - the figures don’t record how many times - which accounts for about 15 per cent of all divorcees. It’s not all that high. Furthermore, if you look at the numbers for divorced persons remarrying as a percentage of divorces in the previous year, it’s a reasonably high 73.9 per cent of males and 70.2 per cent of females. This goes to show that we still overwhelmingly support the institution of marriage - even for the second time of asking - and that second marriages do not tend to break down as easily.
Alison Scobie is one of the unlucky minority to have been twice divorced. Married first, at 19, to someone who became an aggressive alcoholic, and second, two years after divorcing, to someone who was "a serial adulterer", she says. "Even though both were cut-and-dried cases, people are inclined to view you as the one at fault and presume that you’re either desperate, a nymphomaniac, a lesbian or totally weird. I think I was just a bad chooser."
In Scobie’s case, the first marriage ended after five years in one of the first-ever quickie divorces - 12 weeks - and there were no dependants or contest, which made it a straightforward procedure. She only agreed to remarry after she was "wooed to death" and, in any case, wanted a secure framework in which to have children. The marriage lasted eight years and this time the divorce was much harder: emotionally, because of his unfaithfulness and the fact that children were involved, and financially, taking into account lawyers’ fees and the problems over division of assets.
"Nobody told me that if you end up with more than 50 per cent of the joint assets - and I got 52 per cent in the shape of the house - you have to repay the Legal Aid Board. My first divorce cost me £800. The second cost £17,000 and my lawyers were negligent in not warning me of the payback situation."
Alison is able to laugh about aspects of the experience now, such as finding a brand-new Calvin Klein "posing pouch" among her husband’s M&S boxers - "He wasn’t very professional at having an affair" - but would she tie the knot again? "It took me about three years to get over this. In hindsight, I wouldn’t have divorced him for adultery. I would advise anyone in a similar situation to stand back and wait a couple of years, if you can bear it, because feelings of anger do subside. Then you can make the decision for or against in a much calmer way, when it suits you. It’s an enormous emotional and financial hassle and I wouldn’t want to risk it again. Besides, I’ve yet to meet a man stronger than me who didn’t need pandering to."
Scobie’s experience demonstrates that a second marriage needn’t be easier to get out of just because it’s a second marriage. The idea that it might be an easier split the second time because children and financial commitments most often come with the first marriage is likely to be a misconception.
Nora Rundell, director of Stepfamily Scotland, which provides multi-generational support and information to split families, says that in her organisation’s experience, second or third divorces are in no way less traumatic than the first. "There’s a clear distinction to be made between mechanics and trauma," she says. "Yes, second time round the learning curve may be less steep but the emotional impact is by no means any less. Inevitably, the emotional balance of a family, which may have two sets of children from previous marriages, is more complex; there are divided loyalties and piggy-in-the-middle situations to be taken into consideration and often there is residual guilt about the failure of the first marriage, which may not have been worked through. For any new relationship to work, the first has to be fully addressed. Any sense of unfinished business, of people trailing with them the reasons why they gave up first time, often impinges on the success of a second marriage."
Has modern-day marriage become devalued to the extent that people are too quick to give up on it, particularly if faced with similar sets of hurdles the second time around? Rundell believes that whether or not a marriage certificate is involved, people essentially value relationships.
"Nobody goes into or breaks up a long-term relationship lightly. But there are likely to be different sorts of tensions in a second marriage. Money worries are common, particularly if the partner is supporting a previous family. The children are the living personification of where the money’s going and that can be a huge cause for resentment. But children are also the living expression of an earlier relationship that went wrong. It’s not their fault but they end up becoming an additional stress factor in a second marriage."
If Stepfamily Scotland can deliver one key message to those it seeks to support, it is in the area of expectation management. Too many people enter a new relationship with unrealistic expectations, unaware of how difficult and complicated it can get.
Expectation is an area in which Glasgow-based perception psychologist and broadcaster Alex Gardner has specialised. He believes that few people will admit to fundamental errors of judgment and are likely to make the same kinds of mistakes.
"It’s no good going into a second marriage reading from the same script as the first. You need to listen to new voices in your head and to examine your own strengths and weaknesses, and make changes before rushing in. If people are egocentric in anything, they will not do well.
"I believe that every person has a unique, subjective view of the world, based on both their history - devices they use to make an identification or recognition - and their future, based on the role of anticipation and expectation. People may anticipate but should never expect. You can’t expect certain scenarios in the present to be played out in the way they have been in the past. If you do, the pressure to avoid them can become too high and you’ll run away from the situation. Escape is easier if you’ve done it before; you know what’s involved the second time. But it’s the solution of weakness."
So, being able to identify early-warning signs could work for or against your second marriage; arguably you might choose to abandon it as a lost cause more quickly than you might a first marriage. Equally, you might be able to act in time to save it. A lot depends, says Hilary Campbell, Chief Executive of Couple Counselling Scotland, on whether you were the victim of the first divorce or the instigator, and how much energy you have put into self-development in the intervening period.
She says: "However you look at it, there are downsides that are common to both first and second divorces. Parental conflict has a significant impact on both children and step-children. Separation is not good for your health, particularly if you’re a man. In the worst cases, homelessness, alcoholism and even suicide are often related to relationship breakdown. Divorce is a bit like a bereavement. People are nearly always financially worse off. We’ve found that many people stay in unsatisfactory relationships for a long time, either for the children’s sake, or because they know they’ll be poorer if they break up."
Suddenly marriage till death us do part is looking rosy. The Princess Royal is unlikely to end up demonstrably poorer if she and her husband decide to separate and her dinner party friends are unlikely to exclude her as a threat to their own partnerships but don’t let anyone fool her into believing it’ll be a smooth ride.
Visit:-
www.couplecounselling.org (0131-558 9669)
www.stepfamilyscotland.org.uk (0131-558 9669)
