Nouveau neds

When Tara Palmer-Tomkinson or Lady Victoria Hervey pull on a baseball cap, grab their Burberry bags and accessorise with the most bling-bling of trinkets, does it cross their mind that at the opposite end of the social spectrum, their less aristocratic equivalents are going through exactly the same ritual? At some point in recent history, there must have been the sociological equivalent of the big bang.

In recent weeks there has been a flurry of interest in all things ned. This is a hotly contested term, of course - last summer it caught the imagination of the Scottish Executive when Socialist MSP Rosie Kane suggested the word was disrespectful to young people. The official translation is widely assumed to be "non-educated delinquent", but regardless of its impact on the esteem of young urban-dwellers, it can’t be denied that the term delivers an instant and effective mental image. From the white trainers, up past the Kappa tracksuit and on to the Burberry cap, it’s hard to think of another social group that wears its uniform with such pride. Usually congregating in groups and indulging in behaviour that ranges from the vaguely distracting to the genuinely threatening, neds have become flavour of the month via a number of websites that satirise their existence.

The internet site that has provoked most response is Chavscum.co.uk. Describing itself as a guide to "Britain’s burgeoning peasant underclass", the first piece of enlightenment it imparts is that neds are known by many different names. So in the south of England they’re known as "chavs", elsewhere it might be "scallies", "townies", or for the ladies, "Kappa slappers". Whatever the terminology, the lifestyle is the same. The clothing is accessorised with lashings of gold jewellery and the ned is accompanied by the sort of dog of which Princess Anne would be proud. They will own the latest and flashiest mobile phone available and a car of the old Vauxhall Nova variety, which will have been customised to within an inch of its life, particularly the stereo. The music you hear blaring out as the car inches past you at ten miles an hour will belong strictly to the rap, R&B or dance music genres.

The Scottish ned comes under close scrutiny at Glasgowsurvival.co.uk, the site that revealed the ned’s dream machine - a Burberry-style patterned Mini Metro. It divides the neds into 11 different categories, ranging from the Dressed Ned, who "will usually be wearing clothes which, on average, would have come to over £300, not including the tanning parlour fee", to the Senga Neds, sporting "an abnormal number of gold chains around their necks along with an abnormal number of love bites". Although it’s raised a few laughs, the site came under fire from VisitScotland last year, which said "because it looks like a proper tourist site, this website could easily put people off coming to Glasgow". Certainly, some commentators have been unable to see the funny side of these sites, suggesting that far from being an ironic bit of fun, the sites indicate a cruel and condescending example of class warfare. But if glamorising violence, wearing too much jewellery and being addicted to branded sportswear is deemed the inescapable lot of the downtrodden, why is it proving so appealing to the rich and famous?

The celebrity neds celebrated at Chavscum.co.uk are plentiful. In the female quarter there’s Christina Aguilera, trashy and proud of it; Jordan, who, of course, is delighted to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Danniella Westbrook, meanwhile, must have made Burberry execs weep when she appeared dressed head-to-toe in their trademark check. Added to these is singer Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud, ruining the mystique of pop stardom with an assault conviction.

When it comes to the boys, East 17 always looked like genuine neds who’d made good rather than celebs who were dressing down. Eminem keeps the flag flying in the American white trash corner and 50 Cent is the ultimate gangsta rap ned, rapping about guns, ghettos and being shot at. American celebrity neds do it so much better - they actually manage to make being obsessed by designer labels and wearing more gold than Mr T seem aspirational. Think of P Diddy’s parties, which might be the ultimate in nouveau riche excess but they’re always the hottest tickets in town. Over here, every new boy band wants to get in on the act - Blazing Squad in their caps and baggy gear fail to pull off the streetwise look, but it doesn’t stop them trying.

Dressing up and dressing down both have their part to play in the strange overlap between ned and celebrity style. Ever since Jennifer Lopez and Madonna were photographed in Juicy Couture’s velour tracksuits, not a million miles away from the garb previously seen on Wayne and Waynetta Slob on Harry Enfield’s TV show, leisurewear has been the classiest thing in town. Of course, it helped if you had the perfect body to match. Every high street in Britain was filled with ladies who should know better, shoehorned into low-rise slouch pants looking like they’d just managed to drag themselves off the sofa for long enough to buy some booze and fags.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, David and Victoria Beckham’s shopping habits perfectly encapsulate the attitude that designer labels are the ultimate status symbol. Whether it’s Gucci, Armani or Versace, the desire to flaunt your expensive lifestyle accoutrements seems to span the social spectrum. "People from across the social scale have access to the manifestations of wealth," says Dr Ruth Cherrington, Cultural Studies lecturer at the University of Warwick. "There’s a feeling that access should remain solely for the elite." Hence the strange scenario where Kate Moss photographed in Burberry is regarded as chic, but elsewhere, bars have banned customers from wearing the check as it is seen as being synonymous with ned culture.

However, in harsh economic times it’s the customers that the big brands want to distance themselves from that might actually be keeping them afloat. Designer ranges of underwear, bandanas, sunglasses and the like are increasingly meaning that people who can’t afford the haute couture can still buy into the celebrity lifestyle. In Burberry’s case, a 12 per cent rise in third quarter sales were reported last year, with particularly strong profits in accessories and perfumes. Similarly LMVH, the world’s biggest luxury goods company, put their end of year sales growth down to "outstanding sales" of Louis Vuitton handbags and luggage. "What we are seeing is a new tier of customer for these brands and the companies are responding to that," says fashion analyst Melanie Rickey. "The companies don’t want to admit it, but these people are the ones making the money for them."

If neds and celebrities overlap in the fashion stakes, however, other lifestyle crossovers might have been overstated. Last month one tabloid reported that: "Buckie is ousting Champagne". Apparently in one Cumbernauld off-licence, bottles of Moet had been removed from the chill cabinet to make space for Buckfast. So perhaps the case for ned culture influencing mainstream trends has been overstated, but that doesn’t mean they’re not buying into the same dream. Celebrities and neds might be worlds apart but, via the image they present to the outside world, they’ve never had more in common.

How do you know if you are turning into a ned?

||98|| You can’t help yourself when it comes to Burberry check. Both the original ned and his richer equivalent enjoy wearing this distinctive design.

||76|| Large, obtrusive pieces of jewellery appeal to you, as they do to the wealthy. The only difference is in the provenance of the bling: Argos as against Cartier or Boucheron.

||54|| Prominent logos are a must. The original ned prefers to reference sporting logos, specifically Kappa and Fila. The nouveau ned prefers Gucci and Chanel - anything obvious.

4 If you take to wearing baseball caps regularly, you know you are on the slippery slope to full ned-dom. Celebrities claim that they are the best defence against nasty photographers. There is no record of why the common or garden ned sports the cap.

5 Neds new and old seem to enjoy appearing on reality television shows. If you have expressed an interest in Big Brother 5 you are well on your way to becoming a ned. The crossover has worked in the past - think James Hewitt on The Games or Lord Brocket on I’m a Celebrity ...