Well, let me explain what happens in the show and that will help explain the shrine business. What happens is, I come on as me, Holly. I'm driving to my show but I'm running late and bang into something. I get out of the car and I realise it's a dog
I've knocked over, so I put it in the boot and then I arrive at my show. Then it turns out the dog isn't actually dead, he's backstage causing all sorts of problems. In the end he stops the show going ahead – it's supposed to be a show about Russian folklore. Then I come on as the dog. Then Holly comes back with a gun in her hand – she's out to shoot the dog because the dog's given a tip-off to the police. So basically, in the end, there's no show. The dog ends up getting killed by Holly. The dog's owner finds the dog's ears. Then she sings a song.
OK. Sounds good. What kind of dog are we talking about here? He's a gruff, Geordie dog called Peanut whose wife's a lap-dancer. She works at Spearmint Fido's. She does a lapdance for someone in the audience for money. Sorry, this is getting a bit long-winded, isn't it?
No, no, it's fine, carry on. So then the dog's owner comes on with blood on her hands to tell the audience her dog's been killed and then she sings a song dedicated to her dog entitled Beagle in the Breeze – like Candle in the Wind but with different lyrics. And then she says: "I want to show you all the shrine I've erected to my dog – a memorial of him". So I take my audience down the stairs and out onto the street.
Remind me where your show is again? I'm at the Counting House on West Nicholson Street. So I take them all out onto the street. I've got a loud-hailer and an eye patch on my eye – I look like a nutter – and they follow me down ther stairs, along the road and to the end of the street and there's a PDSA charity shop. There's a window there with all this special memorabilia just for dogs: china dogs, plates with dogs on them, dog pictures, fluffy dogs, all sorts of stuff.
Sorry – PDSA – is that some sort of animal welfare charity? Yeah – for pets who need vets, I think. And their window's perfect for my show. My audiences always come with me. It's just two minutes down the road. When I get there I get out the loudhailer and start telling people "I'm mourning the loss of my dead dog, he was killed tragically today".
So the real Holly's done a runner by this point has she? Yeah, Holly's done a runner. She's long gone.
• Hollywould... But Doesn't Think She'll Bother is at Laughing Horse @ The Counting House until 25 August, 6pm
The full article contains 508 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
