Take my mother-in-law... please!" It's a joke as old as the hills, or at least as any told by the legendary Les Dawson, when the mother-in-law was perceived as a razor-tongued, rolling-pin-wielding battleaxe, with all the charm of a rattlesnake.
"Oh, there are more where that one came from – many, many more," says actress, Una McLean, laughing like a drain while relating several more politically incorrect jokes.
There's Ken Dodd's hoary old favourite: "I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for years; I don't like to interrupt her," followed by another Les Dawson classic: "I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors and one of the attendants said 'Keep her moving, sir, we're stocktaking'."
In fact, Les Dawson's widow Tracy maintains that her husband told mother-in-law jokes with a twinkle in his eye. "He was lovely to my mother," she says. "His mother-in-law jokes were told with affection and my mother always thought they were very funny. But the jokes had nothing to do with her. He thought they were a bit old hat but when he tried to drop them people wrote and said, 'Please, will you tell your mother-in-law jokes.' There was no offence in them, but they were the sort of things people would say – 'Oh no! My mother-in-law's coming to stay for the weekend!'"
You have to laugh, agrees McLean, who is playing both a mother and a mother-in-law – a very free-spirited, bohemian character – in a moving new play, Six Acts of Love, by Joanna Anderson, at Glasgow's Tron Theatre, before opening at the Royal Lyceum in Edinburgh in JM Barrie's classic, Mary Rose.
It would seem, however, that the image of the mother-in-law from hell – a harridan in a pinny with muscular arms folded across an enormous bosom – is as ancient as high-button boots, and as old as all those un-PC jokes.
"Absolutely!" exclaims relationships columnist, Luisa Dillner, when I put this point to her.
"Times have changed and, thankfully, mothers-in-law have changed with them."
The author of an entertaining, fact-packed new book, The Complete Book of Mothers-in-Law: A Celebration, Dillner, who also works for the British Medical Journal and who trained as a doctor, is currently the greatest living expert on mothers-in-law, from the royal and presidential, to the scheming, mad, and just plain bad.
"It's been a joy to spend so much time with so many different mothers-in-law," confides Dillner, who says she has a terrific relationship with her own unconventional mother-in-law, Maggie, despite the fact that she's not married to Maggie's only son, John, the father of Dillner's two youngest children and with whom she's shared her life for more than ten years.
"I'm not married to her son, but I might as well be," explains Dillner, who was a single parent with two children when she met John, a fact that didn't faze her prospective mother-in-law when they met, although Maggie is a woman who believes profoundly in the institution of marriage.
"She's very special, the text-book perfect mother-in-law because she has her own life, which is much busier and richer than ours," says Dillner. "And how many women have a mother-in-law who was a French teacher who took early retirement to become an escapologist's assistant and later a Pearly Queen?"
Maggie sounds lovely, I tell Dillner, who replies fervently: "Oh, she is! Her great secret is, she doesn't interfere. I can never remember her ever criticising me. She's always scrupulously fair. In fact, she's told me she didn't get on with her own mother-in-law so she made a rule never to intrude – although she lives just down the road from us. She says she didn't want to repeat her own mother-in-law's mistakes."
Certainly mothers-in-law are not what they used to be, agrees Una McLean, who is both a mother and a mother-in-law, as well as a grandmother – her daughter, Abigail, now 44, has two children, Gavin, who is 16, and Amy Jane, 12. Her 42-year-old son Gavin Boucher has been married to his wife Gillian for 12 years. "My daughter-in-law, Gillian, is great. She thinks I'm a gas!" says McLean, laughing.
And indeed, Gillian concurs that her mother-in-law, with her amazing energy, larger-than-life personality and huge talent, is enormous fun to be around. "When Gavin and I first got together, about 16 years ago, we were both working at the Traverse Theatre, in Edinburgh.
"He was a technician and I worked in admin. Una was something of a legend. I would see her in the bar after performances, sometimes surrounded by an entourage, and I'd hear her laughing loudly, but I'd no idea she was Gavin's mum. I was a bit overwhelmed when I found out."
Not all mothers-in-law are universally loved, however. "Of course I respect my mother-in-law," says Kirsty, a 40-year-old Glaswegian, who has been married to husband Alastair for more than ten years. They have one daughter, Isobel, seven, and live in Edinburgh, only a few miles away from his mother. "But – and there's always a but – we have a very difficult, rather troubled relationship. I think it's a generational thing, a lack of understanding between an older and a younger woman.
"We're both strong women anyway. So you have these two alpha women and this nice man they both love and care for, who's caught in the middle. So much for female solidarity.
"My mother-in-law is very critical of me, really disapproving – I always think that she's metaphorically running her finger across the furniture looking for dust. She likes to get little digs in, forever moaning about the way we bring up Isobel, even complaining about her perceived lack of manners and the way I dress her. And I'm endlessly criticised for not pandering to Alastair's every whim.
"For obvious reasons, Monster-in-Law, with Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda as her prospective, maniacal mother-in-law, is my favourite film. It made me laugh so much, although in reality, there are not many laughs in our relationship. I've tried hard to hang on to my sense of humour but it's not easy when his mother treats your husband like a lord, rustling up banquets for him, because she reckons he's not properly looked after.
"Yet I'm the one who remembers birthdays and who sends flowers for Mother's Day. My husband won't have a word said against his mum – the good thing is, though, he won't take sides and simply refuses to get drawn into any rows we might have. He just lets us get on with the mud-wrestling while he watches the footie."
Of course, adds Kirsty, she thinks about the sort of mother-in-law she herself might become. "I've a spooky feeling I might turn into a right gorgon – and that would be truly tragic, although I hope I'm a generous soul. I really don't have a mean spirit. Unlike my mother-in-law."
So, what's the secret of being a good mother-in- law? "Respect," responds McLean. "I respect how Gillian and Gavin live their lives and they respect how I live mine."
If you Google mothers-in-law, you get more than 300,000 hits, notes Luisa Dillner. Certainly, anyone who knew she was writing a book on the subject asked: "Do you want a joke?"
The one that made her laugh the most was: "George goes on holiday in Israel with his family, including his mother-in-law. They're visiting Jerusalem when she drops down dead. George, a New Yorker, goes to the American Embassy to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for burial.
"He's told it's very expensive, 6,000, whereas it will cost only 1,000 to bury her in Jerusalem. George replies that he doesn't care how much it costs, he wants the body sent back.
"The embassy official goes all misty-eyed. 'You must have loved your mother-in-law very much.'
"'No, it's not that,' says George. 'It's just that I know of a case, many, many years ago, of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem and was resurrected on the third day. It's a chance I don't want to take.'" sm
• The Complete Book of Mothers-in-Law: A Celebration, by Luisa Dillner, is published by Faber & Faber, priced £12.99.
• Six Acts of Love is at the Tron Theatre, Glasgow, until today (
www.tron.co.uk).
• Mary Rose is at the Royal Lyceum Theatre, Edinburgh, 24 October - 15 November (
www.lyceum.org.uk).
Take my mother-in-law.... please!
Barbra StreisandAccording to reports, Minnie Driver and Josh Brolin broke up in part due to the meddling of his mum, Barbra. When asked what having her as a mother-in-law would be like, Driver replied diplomatically: "It would have been colourful."
Colette FederlineBritney Spears's ex-mother-in-law reportedly "cross-examined" her over a fried-chicken dinner before she married Kevin. "Britney's not really her type of girl," said one source.
Lynn HarlessJustin Timberlake's mother allegedly talked him out of proposing to Cameron Diaz before she got a chance to become the Hollywood actress's mother-in-law. A "friend" reportedly said: "Cameron has worried from the beginning that Lynn didn't like her."
Jackie StalloneBrigitte Nielsen described her ex-mother-in-law's surprise arrival at the Celebrity Big Brother house in 2005 as "the worst thing that's ever happened to me".
Dorothy RodhamWhen her daughter, Hillary Clinton, was elected to the US Senate, Mrs Rodham announced her intention to take over responsibility for the care of her son-in-law – and outgoing president – Bill when her daughter was otherwise engaged.
Peggy GallagherLiam's mother gave daughter-in-law Patsy Kensit steadfast support and sympathy. She flew to London from Manchester to look after her then eight-month-old grandson, Lennon, when Kensit was reportedly suffering from health and marriage problems. Mrs Gallagher also cared for Kensit's son, James, whose father is the Simple Minds singer, Jim Kerr.
The full article contains 1747 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
