The bard made easy

You may not have the space or inclination to host a full-scale formal dinner tomorrow, but that's no excuse for not celebrating our national poet with a meal, a few poems, speeches and, of course, a dram in his honour.

Here our experts show you how to do Burns without the bother

ORDER OF EVENTS

The Welcome is your chance as host to welcome your guests. After this either the host or another member of the company recites The Selkirk Grace.

It is then time to bring in the haggis. If you are lucky enough to have a piper on hand (or a fiddler) he or she should lead the procession playing a traditional tune as the haggis is brought to the table. However, in smaller gatherings, guests will just clap along as the dish is paraded round the room.

It is now time for the Address to the Haggis. The host or another guest will recite Burns's To a Haggis, and when reaching the line "An' cut ye up wi' ready sleight" a knife should be plunged by the speaker into the haggis, allowing the steaming hot insides to spill out.

At the end of the poem guests should raise their glass and toast: "The Haggis."

Now it is time to dig in to The Meal, which traditionally features Cock-a-leekie soup, Haggis, neeps and tatties and, for dessert, Cranachan or Tipsy Laird (sherry trifle).

After dinner is finished, get your vocal cords ready for The Entertainment. This can include as much or as little singing, poetry reciting and readings as you like. At a minimum it should feature (even though they do not need to be long):

&149 The Immortal Memory (recalling Burns's life and achievements);

&149 A Toast To The Lassies;

• A Reply to the Toast To The Lassies.

And, of course, as long as the company is still fit for it at the end of the evening, it is good to end with a rendition of Auld Lang Syne.

THE FOOD
AS BURNS Night comes round again, the wheels of the haggis industry turn fast and furious. Orders at home and from around the world need to be met. Where normally the mere mention of offal strikes fear into the hearts of all but the most stalwart foodies, we take pride in our national dish.

Joe Findlay, below, the "food hero" from Rick Stein's TV series with a butcher's shop in Portobello, sells haggis to customers across the world, from the Philippines to Berlin. Findlay recently appeared with renowned London chef and restaurateur Fergus Henderson, who was launching his latest cookery book, Beyond Nose to Tail, at Valvona & Crolla. Henderson is a proponent of "nose to tail" eating, which means that in his restaurants you are likely to be eating innards, ears or feet; unsurprisingly, he believes we in Scotland should be proud of our haggis.

Even the most competent and adventurous cooks visit their local butcher or supermarket for one of the named brands. But for our national dish, Findlay agrees with Henderson that every self-respecting cook should have a go. He isn't going to impart his own secret recipe, passed down for generations – the special spices make the difference. But he'll be happy enough to supply what you need to make your own haggis. This is what you'll need: Ask your butcher for the lamb's "lights": the heart, lungs and liver. Ask for the windpipe to be removed. You'll need two lots for a haggis to serve six people. Add to the list a length of ox intestine (cheaper and easier to get hold of than the more traditional sheep), some suet, pinhead oatmeal, onions and spices. Then the fun starts.

In a large pan of salted water, simmer the offal for a couple of hours. While that's happening, toast up the oatmeal and fry the onions in butter. Then decide what spices you want to use. Allspice is the standard, but you could do anything. Mix and mince roughly the cooked meat, oatmeal, onions, suet and your seasonings. Add a little stock to get the right consistency.

Now take the intestine and stuff it with your mixture, tying at both ends, leaving room for the oats to expand. Henderson recommends covering this "little orb of joy" in tinfoil. Cook for three hours in water and serve with neeps, tatties and ceremony.

If you have got this far, then be proud of your self-sufficiency. Wha's like us?

• FOR those who prefer to buy their haggis ready made, here are three principal ways of heating up haggis.

1 SIMMERING: Perhaps the most traditional method. A 1lb haggis (feeds two to three) should be cooked for about 45 mins, but the haggis should come with instructions. Never let the water boil as this is what can cause the haggis to burst.

2 OVEN: Remove the outer packaging and wrap the haggis tightly in foil. Then place in a dish with a little water and cook at 180 C or gasmark 4. Timings are similar to when simmering.

3 MICROWAVING:By far the fastest way to heat up haggis. Remove the haggis from the outer package and inner skin and chop into chunks. Cook with your microwave on medium. Again times vary depending on size, but a 1lb haggis should take around four minutes.

THE SPEECHES

THE IMMORTAL MEMORY
NANCY MARSHALL, author of The Burns Supper Companion

IMMORTAL memory speeches can be as lighthearted or literary as you like – what's important is that they combine warmth, reflection and wit. For novices my advice would be to focus on what you'd really like to say, as much as what you think you ought to.

Some of the themes you could look at might be why "Auld Lang Syne" has been adopted as an international anthem. What is it about Burns's work that has captured people's imagination across the world?

And an important part of the speech is Burns as a Scot, though you should avoid being too narrowly nationalistic and remember, as Burns himself put it "That Man to Man, the world o'er, Shall brothers be for a' that!"

Whatever you choose to focus on, the speech should conclude with the toast: "Ladies and Gentlemen I give you 'The Immortal Memory of Robert Burns'."

TOAST TO THE LASSIES
MURDO MORRISON, marketing convenor of The Robert Burns World Federation

THE MAIN thing for this toast is to ensure it's relevant. Some people have used this as an excuse to be downright derogatory about women, but Burns wrote so many lovely things about women, my own favourite being: "The wisest man the warl e'er saw, He dearly lov'd the lasses, O." And for any male chauvinists out there I would force them to read Burns's The Rights of Woman.

"For Right the third, our last, our best, our dearest:

That right to fluttering female hearts the nearest,

Which even the Rights of Kings, in low prostration,

Most humbly own – 'tis dear, dear Admiration!

A REPLY TO THE TOAST TO THE LASSIES
ELAINE C SMITH, who will reply on behalf of the Lassies at Stirling Castle's Burns Night celebrations

BE CHEEKY, be unafraid. I always give a feminist reply, remembering that Burns genuinely liked the company of women – a rare thing in men! Anyone that could write such a fabulous tribute as Ae Fond Kiss is fine in my book. And if you can raise a laugh and a glass, you've done your job well.

THE WHISKY

ANNE GRIFFITHS, venue director, The Scotch Malt Whisky Society, gives the following hints for the kinds of whisky you should look for to accompany your Burns Night dinner.

• To toast the haggis the perfect whisky would be a well-aged Speyside.

I would serve something such as our cask number 1.136. It's 37 years old and it is majestic and refined, with dried pineapple and papaya, ginger spice on the nose and tannic wood in the aftertaste, then a flavoursome mix of fruit, chocolate and liquorice when reduced.

• To follow the haggis I would choose one of the more light and approachable Islay whiskies, such as our 15-year-old Islay (cask 53.115).

With a smoky nose, it has lemon, bubblegum and vanilla Angel Delight on the palate, a delightful accompaniment to the final course.

A BURNS NIGHT TO REMEMBER

Phil Cunningham, accordionist, composer and broadcaster
I ALWAYS try to mark Burns night in some way. Once, touring with (folk band] Ceolbeg in Germany, we wanted to do something, but it was late at night and we had nothing to represent haggis. So Gary West, the piper, rolled up his kilt sock and put it on a silver plate, which he'd purloined from somewhere in the hotel, and proceeded to pipe in the mock haggis. We addressed it, stabbed it with his sgian dubh and drank… I think peppermint schnapps was all we had.

Doctor Richard Holloway, chair of the Scottish Arts Council and Scottish Screen
THE evening that most inspired me was at the Jack Kane Centre in Craigmillar a few years ago. I was chairman of a mentoring agency called bfriends that put young volunteers in touch with troubled children. We crowded joyfully into a room at the centre and went through the old rituals with affection. The speeches were brief, witty, effective; the lassies bonny; and the cause worthy. And, if you listened carefully, you could hear the man himself chuckling approvingly.

First Minister Alex Salmond
THIS year, like most, I am attending a number of events celebrating the work of Scotland's favourite son. There are only three real requirements in order to enjoy a Burns Night: the poetry of the man himself, a healthy appetite and good company.

But we should also be armed with the Bard's own warning – "ilk man and mother's son, take heed: whene'er to drink you are inclin'd… remember Tam o' Shanter's mare."

Elaine C Smith, actress and comedy entertainer
MY TOP tip is to make sure that the night is joyous and not dull – get women to come along as there's nothing worse than the boring all-male stag dos full of drunks misquoting Burns . Women, as Burns himself would say, are a civilising influence (sometimes!).

Whisky is a crucial element for a guid night but please remember to have some soft stuff available.

If I was having one at home, I would want to invite people who don't know the work of Rabbie – introduce our Bard to a new audience.

Jo Macsween, director of haggis makers Macsween of Edinburgh
THE more simple, the better. One of the best Burns Nights I ever went to, the host left books of Burns poems round the table and just waited for people to relax. It worked and soon people were picking out their favourites and reading them out. My only real Burns Night crimes are: not having a decent haggis, not having enough haggis, and pouring whisky over your haggis, which makes me cringe, although that's controversial.