Oscars Special: Enter Hollywood's Hall of Shame

ALISTAIR HARKNESS and GRAEME VIRTUE present 50 reasons to skip the annual Academy Awards shindig.

1 TheAcademy Awards® exist to "advance the arts and sciences of motion pictures".That'll be why trailblazers like Charlie Chaplin, Orson Welles, Alfred Hitchcock and Robert Altman received Lifetime Achievement consolation Oscars® shortly before they died – and why Stanley Kubrick (who refused to provide any forewarning of his death) doesn't have one.

2 Everyone loves Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen (1952), but did his Oscar-winning performance change the nature of movie acting, in the way Marlon Brando did in that year's overlooked A Streetcar Named Desire?

3 At the first show in 1929, the winners had been announced three months beforehand and the ceremony took just 15 minutes. Well, sequels are never as good ...

4 When the Oscars were first put on TV in 1953, Best Picture winner was circus soap The Greatest Show on Earth. Talk about a misnomer. High Noon lost and Singin' in the Rain wasn't even nominated.

5 The Oscars offer a platform for stars to highlight issues. Like "Hanoi" Jane Fonda, who tearfully ended a long-running family feud by accepting her father's award for On Golden Pond (1982), having previously used her win for Coming Home (1979) to highlight the plight of deaf people, and her 1972 victory for Klute to say … absolutely nothing at all about Vietnam.

6 "I'm the king of the world!" You're also an iceberg-sized tube, James Cameron.

7 The Academy can never stick to a timetable. If you think it's painful watching the Oscars overrun, the 1959 telecast actually finished 20 minutes early, forcing host Jerry Lewis to improvise – badly.

8 Still, that's not as bad as 2005 when, to save time, the winners of the less glamorous awards had to receive their Oscars in their seats.

9 The Academy likes to prove how serious it is by honouring films that highlight the many atrocities in the world. Such as the Holocaust. And, erm, the Holocaust …

10 Though by naming Crash best picture in 2005, it showed it cared about other forms of racism …

11 …despite not honouring a black leading actress until its 74th ceremony. And snubbing Do the Right Thing in 1990. And nominating Samuel L Jackson as best supporting actor for Pulp Fiction, while giving John Travolta – who had fewer lines – a nod for lead.

12 Cher actually has an Academy Award.

13 In 1969, veteran host Bob Hope was replaced by ten starry "friends of Oscar". In 1970, there were 16 friends; 1971 saw 33. The idea was abandoned in 1972. Thank God Oscar isn't on Facebook.

14 Rob Lowe's sex-tape scandal was small beer compared to the opening of the 1989 Oscars – a number where Lowe boogied with Snow White. Disney threatened to sue for copyright infringement.

15 It could have been worse: in 1986, Telly Savalas, Dom DeLuise and Pat Morita (Karate Kid's Mr Miyagi) sang a number from Guys And Dolls. Come back, Rob!

16 Eight times host Billy Crystal is recalled fondly, but his "hilarious" parodies of Best Picture nominees would have been booed at the Edinburgh Fringe.

17 "The British are coming!" Hubristic Chariots of Fire writer Colin Welland gets a lesson in humility in 1983. Nobody came.

18 If the Oscars are all-powerful, why did they let 1995 host David Letterman completely rehash his talk show shtick, "Stupid Pet Tricks" and all?

19 Not content with being the biggest voting block in the Academy, actors like to prove how great they are by honouring their own in the directing category. And who can argue with their decision to reward Robert Redford for Ordinary People, Warren Beatty for Reds and Kevin Costner for Dances with Wolves? It's not like Raging Bull, Raiders of the Lost Ark or Goodfellas lasted. Oh, wait …

20 This doesn't apply to Orson Welles, who only won Best Screenplay for Citizen Kane …

21 … because apparently How Green Was My Valley was the Best Picture of 1942.

22 According to his Academy peers, Al Pacino's best ever performance is in Scent of a Woman (1993). Not The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface or Heat.

23 Hey, there's 2001 Best Song nominee Björk! Um … isn't the Queen the only person allowed to shoot and wear swans?

24 Hey, there's Angelina Jolie – showing her contempt for the Academy in 2000 by accepting her Girl, Interrupted Best Supporting Actress statuette dressed like a sulky teen goth. Rebel!

25 Being nominated for Best Actress also brought out the worst fashion excesses in statuesque Thelma & Louise star Geena Davis, who turned up in 1992 dressed as a knickerbocker glory.

26 Of course, when 2005 Oscar host Chris Rock pointed out that the ceremony was "a fashion show" the show's producer defended his "edginess". They didn't invite him back …

27 … but maybe that's because Academy Award winner Sean Penn didn't like Rock making jokes about Jude Law. "Forgive my lack of humour, but Jude Law is one of our most talented actors," growled Penn, proving he had a sense of humour after all.

28 Attendees are hypocrites. After winning for Platoon in 1986, Oliver Stone was loudly cheered for saying the Vietnam experience should "never, ever in our lifetimes happen again". After winning for Bowling for Columbine in 2002, Michael Moore was loudly booed when he blasted Bush for leading America into Iraq for "fictitious reasons".

29 Speaking of hypocrites, how about Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro presenting the lifetime achievement award to HUAC collaborator Elia Kazan in 1999 after both had appeared in Guilty by Suspicion – a film about the devastating effect of the communist witch hunts on Hollywood?

30 "You really like me!" Sally Field assumes too much in 1985.

31 In 1999, someone thought it a good idea to interpret all five Best Picture nominees in dance. How does Saving Private Ryan look in mime? Not so good.

32 The same year, Shakespeare in Love beat Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line to Best Picture, and delivered Gwyneth Paltrow a gong for Best Actress, thanks to a "charm" offensive by Harvey Weinstein. He got Roberto Benigni a best actor Oscar for Life Is Beautiful too.

33 Tibet-lovin' Richard Gere revealed the nominees for Best Art Direction in 1993 – but not before asking a billion viewers to telepathically direct love, truth and "a kind of sanity" to Deng Xiaoping of China.

34 Halle Berry's hyperventilating meltdown in 2002. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

35 No-one knows exactly what makes a good Oscar speech, but if you've just won Best Director, it's probably best not to say "um" 40 times – we're looking at you, Jonathan Demme (The Silence of the Lambs).

36 At the first post-9/11 ceremony, Hollywood asked itself if a lavish evening spent massaging the egos of movie stars – sorry, "celebrating the joy and magic of movies" – was still important. Tom Cruise, handling the opening monologue, had the answer. "Dare I say it? More than ever." He had the Hollywood elite at hello.

37 In 1995, the Academy reckoned best picture nominees Babe, Mel Gibson's Braveheart, Apollo 13, Il Postino and Sense and Sensibility represented the year's finest …

38 … ignoring Heat, Seven, The Usual Suspects, La Haine and Casino.

39 If you think Pink Panther 2 is a disaster, check out Steve Martin hosting the Oscars in 2001 … and again in 2003. Where's Kato when you need him?

40 In 1995, Martin Landau won his only Oscar as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood. Just as he embarked on a tribute to the horror icon, the band cut him off. Shame!

41 Proving how morally bankrupt the Oscars are, Marlon Brando refused his Best Actor award for The Godfather in 1972… by sending fake "squaw" Sacheen Littlefeather in his place. Is it a Method thing?

42 Forrest Gump. Best Picture winner, 1994.

43 Winning an Oscar encourages actors to stop trying. After Boys Don't Cry (2000) Hilary Swank made rubbish like The Core until Million Dollar Baby (2005) – which she followed with The Reaping and PS I Love You.

44 Credit to the Academy for nominating Elliot Smith's Good Will Hunting track Miss Misery for Best Song in 1998. But to whom did they award the Oscar? Titanic's Sealion Dion.

45 What's worse than Celine Dion singing at the Oscars? Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston duetting on the syrupy When You Believe from The Prince Of Egypt. It won.

46 "Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too/You pay the right price and they'll both do you." Excerpt from It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp, Academy Award winner, Original Song, 2006

47 The Academy has its collective finger nowhere near the pulse. Three months before the moon landing, Oliver! Was named best picture for 1969. 2001: A Space Odyssey wasn't nominated.

48 Accepting the Oscar for Philadelphia, Tom Hanks bravely outed his former teacher, inspiring the Kevin Kline comedy In & Out. Thanks Tom.

49 Best Picture 2003: Chicago.

50 Really?

• 81st Academy Awards, Sunday-Monday, Sky Movies Premiere, 1am.

And the nominations (most of them) for 2009 are …

BEST PICTURE

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Frost/Nixon; Milk; The Reader; Slumdog Millionaire

BEST DIRECTOR

Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire; David Fincher, Benjamin Button; Stephen Daldry, The Reader; Gus Van Sant, Milk

BEST ACTOR

Richard Jenkins, The Visitor; Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon; Sean Penn, Milk; Brad Pitt, Benjamin Button; Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married; Angelina Jolie, Changeling; Melissa Leo, Frozen River; Meryl Streep, Doubt; Kate Winslet, The Reader

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Josh Brolin, Milk; Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight; Robert Downey Jr, Tropic Thunder; Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt; Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams, Doubt; Penélope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona; Viola Davis, Doubt; Taraji P Henson, Benjamin Button; Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Frozen River, Courtney Hunt; Happy-Go-Lucky, Mike Leigh; In Bruges, Martin McDonagh; Milk, Dustin Lance Black; WALL-E, Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Pete Docter

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Benjamin Button, Eric Roth; Doubt, John Patrick Shanley; Frost/Nixon, Peter Morgan; The Reader, David Hare; Slumdog Millionaire, Simon Beaufoy

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Bolt; Kung Fu Panda; WALL-E

BEST ANIMATED SHORT

La Maison en Petits Cubes; Lavatory — Lovestory; Oktapodi; Presto; This Way Up

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Changeling; Benjamin Button; The Dark Knight; The Reader; Slumdog Millionaire

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany); The Class (France); Departures (Japan); Revanche (Austria); Waltz with Bashir (Israel)

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT

Auf der Strecke (On the Line); Manon on the Asphalt; New Boy; The Pig; Spielzeugland (Toyland)

BEST MAKEUP

Benjamin Button; The Dark Knight; Hellboy II: The Golden Army

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

Benjamin Button, Alexandre Desplat; Defiance, James Newton Howard ; Milk, Danny Elfman; Slumdog Millionaire, AR Rahman; WALL-E, Thomas Newman

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

Down to Earth, WALL-E; Jai Ho, Slumdog Millionaire; O Saya, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST SOUND EDITING

The Dark Knight; Iron Man; Slumdog Millionaire; WALL-E; Wanted

BEST SOUND MIXING

Benjamin Button; The Dark Knight; Slumdog Millionaire; WALL-E; Wanted

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

Benjamin Button; The Dark Knight; Iron Man