Fiona McCade: Look before you leap into bed with shallow men

ONCE, when looking back on her largely unsuccessful love life, Rita Hayworth, probably one of the most gorgeous women ever to appear on screen, said ruefully: "Men go to bed with Gilda (her most famous and glamorous role] and wake up with me."

Even back in the glory days of Hollywood, when screen stars were paraded like Earth-bound goddesses, anybody expecting Rita to be divine 24/7 was always going to be disappointed, but it seems that some men today still have unreasonably high expectations of women, despite the fact that film star mystique is in decidedly short supply.

Television presenter Denise Van Outen may not exactly be a legend of the silver screen, but she knows all about how disappointed men can be when their trophy women don't measure up in the cold light of day. She's admitted to losing one or two boyfriends by having the temerity to drop her elegant façade and simply be herself.

"With a couple of guys I've dated, when I've removed my make-up and put on a tracksuit, they read this as me not being into them," she said in a recent interview. "I was shocked – I did it because I was comfy. Men are too used to women being groomed."

Wow. And there was I thinking that the more comfortable you felt within a relationship, the better it was going.

I can understand that some particularly superficial men might consider dating someone as well-known and attractive as Denise Van Outen as an opportunity to show her off as some sort of prize, but it's crazy to expect anyone – even someone whose living depends partly upon their physical appeal – to keep up their public image in private.

I find it utterly bizarre – not to mention extremely scary – that there are men out there who rate their relationship solely by how consistently immaculate their girlfriend can look.

And the moment she lets her hair down and takes a breather from being a Stepford Wife, he dumps her, because she apparently doesn't care enough about him (and his misplaced pride) to make it permanent.

Surely most people take it as a compliment when their significant other feels relaxed enough to start letting their guard down? The first time that you fart in front of each other may not be the sort of occasion that warrants a card and flowers, but it's a benchmark of how close a couple you've become.

Pity poor Denise, who didn't even get past the no-make-up stage with her pernickety suitors. If she'd broken wind, they'd have probably called the police.

Can you imagine being with a man who can't bear to see you without make-up and who freaks out if you appear in any outfit loose enough to allow you to exhale?

It doesn't sound as if any of these liaisons lasted too long – and how could they? The first sign of underarm regrowth and he's off like a shot.

But Denise has obviously had this problem more than once. Ergo, this kind of man isn't a one-off, he's a breed. It must be terrifying to have to deal with blokes like this.

There you are, innocently forgetting to apply quite so much lipstick as usual; occasionally loosening your belt a notch after a big meal; easing off the fake tan; little by little allowing yourself to think: "What a relief! I feel so comfortable with him now, I might even try scratching where it actually itches. This could be the start of something meaningful!" And all the time, he's thinking: "Unless she gets a Brazilian wax in the next 24 hours, I'm outta here."

I can only assume that the sort of men who feel insulted by a woman shamelessly being herself are the ones who have never managed to maintain a long-term relationship with anything that doesn't need to be inflated.

But I'm curious. Tell me, you gentlemen paragons of grooming and sartorial elegance, do you ever appear in the comfort of your own homes wearing anything but Italian silk suits and hand-made brogues? Have you ever gone to bed without flossing? Is there ever a hair out of place on your pretty little heads? Or – God forbid – up your pretty little noses, or in your pretty little ears?

If so, welcome to the human race, where you'll find quite a lot of extremely attractive women, who also have the occasional imperfection. If you cut them some slack, you might discover the joys of an actual, grown-up relationship. Otherwise, don't be surprised if you go to bed with a goddess, but wake up alone.