Bernadette Lynass on grandparents

BECOMING a grandparent can mark the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in life. Watching your children transform into parents and having a new generation to love and cherish can bring feelings of joy, pride, security and happiness.

However, this is also a time when family dynamics evolve and people can struggle with their changing roles. Good communication is essential in working together as a family to maintain these special relationships.

This avoids presumptions being made about issues such as childcare or parenting choices. Some grandparents are thrilled when asked to look after their grandchildren while some feel they would rather just spend time with the children without the responsibility.

Each family is different and there are no rules for being a good grandparent or parent but we need to be aware of other family members' wishes and give them the respect and consideration we would like in return.

NO CONTACT

EIGHTEEN months ago my son split with his partner and I have not seen my two grandchildren since. My son was under a lot of stress and lashed out, hitting his ex-partner. What he did was wrong but I don't understand why we are being punished.

Your daughter-in-law has been in an abusive relationship and you recognise this is wrong. However, you say your son was under of stress. Violence towards a partner is never acceptable and it is possible your daughter-in-law senses you do not fully accept the situation as your son's responsibility. Try to understand she is in a vulnerable position and will be doing her best to protect her children, not to punish you. Any court proceedings between her and your son will be lengthy and it is important you see your contact with the children as a separate issue. Focus on the children and the benefits to them of continuing the established relationship they have with you.

STILL IN SHOCK

MY DAUGHTER recently left her husband, taking their children to live with another woman. My wife seems to accept our daughter is gay but I can't sleep for thinking about it all.

When unexpected changes occur in families it takes time to adjust. Men can struggle to talk about their feelings as often they don't have the same support networks as women. Perhaps you can talk to your wife about things? Remember your daughter is still the same person and you need to ensure your grandchildren have the love and stability you and your wife can offer them.

DIVIDED LOYALTIES

MY MUM and gran had a huge argument a few months ago and Mum told Gran she wasn't welcome in our home anymore. I miss her but Mum says I can't see her until she apologises.

It is common for young people to feel torn between family members when conflict or separation occurs. But it is possible your mum doesn't realise how you are feeling. Try talking to her. She may have reacted in the heat of the moment, saying things she normally would not. If the communication has completely broken down between, Family Mediation would offer a neutral third party to support your family and help them to communicate.

Bernadette Lynass is connecting generations project co-ordinator at Relationships Scotland Family Mediation South Lanarkshire

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 17 October, 2010