SNATCHES of random conversations I have overheard from passing strangers are just awesome. I have been collecting and noting them down for nearly a year now.
Some make me wonder what the whole conversation entails and a few are just good stand-alone quips that make me giggle. Most come when folk talk loud as they pass by; some come from sitting close to people in cafés, on public transport or in various q
ueues.
By far the best come from the very old and the very young, as they seem to use language and conversation in a more descriptive manner. It's as if they have all the time in the world to get out every word that is in their head, especially children: they have an unburdened attitude to telling you every single thought that passes through their wee brains. It's like a live running commentary of their personal development and cognitive thought process.
Here are some of my favourites:
My great-niece Abi as she pointed to her baby sister Julia: "She eats pasta from under the bed."
A child in a café to his mum: "I won't wipe my own bum. I can't put my hand down there. It can't go round corners."
An old man to his pal in a baker's shop in Cardiff: "A big, heavy cat will stop the draught."
A nutty-looking passenger on a bus in LA: "Don't get me started about Steven Spielberg! Twice I asked him to turn the car around and he gave me herpes."
Elderly woman in the street to her pal: "She is allergic to bananas, has fallen arches and she is a nun. I didn't even know she was a Catholic till I saw her dressed up like that."
A woman in shop queue to her daughter at Christmas: "Thank goodness most of your grandparents are dead."
Young girl shouting from her window at young man running down our street: "It was an omelette, not knickers!"
A man in the Post Office queue: "Twice he has asked me for a kidney and twice I said no, but he keeps asking me."
A small girl in the hairdresser's: "I hate my curly hair. Mum says I am cursed and have public hair on my head."
Old man in bank queue to his pal: "So I called the gas company and told them I was dead again…"
Shopkeeper to customer: "That bread is not out of date, you are just too late getting here."
My daughter's pal, who is a staunch Rangers fan: "I don't usually shout sectarian stuff about Catholics at football matches but, you know, when in Rome…"
Indigestion cure is certainly not something to chew overI USED to carry around a big bottle of gloopy, aniseed-flavoured antacid medicine and glug it down in all manner of public places. I even did it onstage. I have sometimes spent £40 a month on over-the-counter antacids for persistent heartburn. I could have had a weekend break to Paris on that cash.
So, I recently got a blood test and have now been told that I am the proud owner of Helicobacter pylori.
It sounds like some high-tech Bond gadget that flies through fire, or a cool Indie music group, but it is actually a bacterial infection in my stomach. My doctor say it is linked to poverty and poor diet in childhood and that many Glaswegians are similarly infected.
The course of antibiotics is gruelling and one pill in particular is foul-tasting, even when swallowed quickly. I almost laughed out loud when I read the box and it said: "Do not chew."
The sky's the limit with my planWATCHING the BBC newsman last week talk about the heavy snowfall made me giggle. He asked: "Was there any way to avoid this weather?"
Well no, not really, mate, unless the whole of the UK agree to my interesting idea. Curb the expense of war, never mind spending millions on some ancient Titian painting, and build a giant roof over the UK. It will entice visitors and stop snowfall bringing Britain to a standstill.
When I become this country's leader, the first thing I will do is put all prisoners, unemployed and workshy on the job as roof builders. Vote for Janey!
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www.janeygodley.co.uk