Then I'll show him my bank statement. "See that derisory figure here?" I'll say. "The amount roughly equivalent to yer dry cleaning bill? That's how much I'm recompensed for suffering this experience on a daily basis."
Then I'll explain to him ho
w much of that paltry figure I annually squander on a season ticket and sundries to watch him captain my fitba team. Then I'll tell him to get himself back to Pittodrie and either shut up and start acting like a captain, or leave.
Craig Stewartwww.aberdeen-mad.co.ukCELTICFOLLOWING the utterly pointless league split, Celtic have five tough games coming up if they are to secure their fourth title in a row. We have moved into the part of the season where the performances don't matter; points make prizes!
With two tough away games coming up, Skoosh Brown will be sorely missed. Hopefully, Gordon will find a solution among the 75 midfielders he has signed and not resort to his favourite tactic of playing our best defender in midfield. It's an approach that has rarely worked!
Our performances away from home against top-six sides have been, in the main, appalling so I expect another turgid effort this weekend against Aberdeen. One ray of sunshine is that Big Jan seems to have re-orientated his scoring compass in time for the run-in.
David DevineDUNDEE UNITEDI'M STILL to be convinced that splitting the SPL for the final part of the season is the best way of concluding the league. That said, it certainly feels preferable to be in the top six post-split than the bottom half we've had occasion to frequent in years past.
For a club the size of United it's a good achievement and the additional revenue it generates is a much-needed shot in the arm.
Sir Craig has brought a lot of belief back to Tannadice and, football fans being football fans, a lot of expectation. Personally, I try and temper the expectation with a healthy smidgen of reality and, for now, I'm just delighted that the club has secured some additional monies.
A Europa spot would be fantastic, but let's just take it all as it comes.
Hamish Mackintoshwww.dundeeunited-mad.co.ukFALKIRKA SCOTTISH Cup final, European football for the first time ever, how brilliant is that?! And how surreal after the season we have had. But hey, let's enjoy it, things like this don't come everyday for the mighty Falkirk Bairns.
I was so chuffed it was two of our young guns who grabbed the glory. Tam Scobbie capped a passionate performance with the breakthrough goal, while Scott Arfield was cool and calm to blast home the penalty late on that was the icing on the cake.
Dunfermline did have their moments but the day belonged to Falkirk and I would not bet against a surprise cup win when we return to Hampden to face Rangers in the final.
I hope that win is the spur all the players need to take the club on to SPL security.
Brian Guthriewww.bairnstrust.com HAMILTON ACCIESAFTER 33 matches over the last eight months, we now come to the business end of the season. If Accies can keep themselves in the SPL then they will have stayed up in the top league for the first time in decades.
The next few weeks will see some stressful times for all and it would be no surprise if the matches among the bottom six teams produce loads of draws. The mini league starts with the visit of Kilmarnock this weekend and a win would almost make Accies safe.
Accies have certainly suffered through injuries recently and the good news is that Brian Easton and Richard Offiong are in better shape than they have been for a while. Meanwhile Lamine Diatta has left for pastures new and, given that most will only have seen him warming up, he won't be missed.
Gilbert MowatHEARTSWITH Hearts not playing last weekend it was particularly depressing to see Falkirk contesting a semi-final against Dunfermline. The loss to Falkirk in the Scottish Cup, albeit in controversial circumstances, was without doubt our worst result in an otherwise good season, but hopefully we can make up for that by securing third place.
The Hearts accounts have generated a lot of comment among supporters but the most important thing is that the debt has come down, although perhaps not as much as might have been expected, with a further trimming of the wage bill likely over the summer. In that regard it was disappointing to see Christos Karipidis sign a pre-contract agreement with Omonia Nicosia. A new central defender must now be a priority over the summer, if it wasn't already.
Broxburn Jambo HIBERNIANBACK to SPL action this week and the dizzy heights of the top-six. All we can do now is search for a bit of respectability and perhaps lay some foundations for next season.
Nobody at Easter Road should see reaching the top-half of the table as some kind of triumph – Hibs should be challenging for third place and a spot in Europe, and might have done so with a little more ambition, tactical nous and flair.
Harry Potter will get his usual wizard welcome to the Leith San Siro on Saturday, but hopefully it's Hibs that come up with a bit of magic. We need to win this one if we want to inch up the table. The excellent under-19 side will be parading their league championship trophy, and – fingers crossed – after tonight, possibly the Scottish Youth Cup. Let's show how proud we are by giving the future stars a rousing reception.
Michael DoyleINVERNESS CTWITH the top and bottom six being finalised a week past Saturday it still took the SPL until the next day to issue the final fixtures for the season. We now know what lies ahead in the final five games and our management team must plan their strategy as ICT attempt to secure SPL status. With five of the six teams still capable of finishing bottom this is probably going to be the best relegation battle in SPL history.
We are hoping St Mirren and Falkirk will be out of focus after their cup exploits but we mustn't rely on others. It is now time for our players to stand up and be counted and produce some of the best football of the season. We don't want to see heads going down when we go behind, we are looking for the passion to return and players that really want to pull on that ICT shirt.
Dave 'Gringo' Wilsonwww.caleythistleonline.comKILMARNOCKCHAIRMAN Michael Johnson attended the Supporters' Association meeting last week with a few snippets of information. Full-price adult season tickets will again be £300 but include a free under-16 season ticket.
The new home strip has been designed which is similar to this season's except with gold piping and gold collar (like Portsmouth).
There are 20 players still under contract for next season and the first-team squad will be cut to around 25 maximum. Allan Russell and Jamie Adams are both recovering well from knee injuries. New signing Steven Old has made the provisional New Zealand squad for a tour of South Africa in June. There was also talk of a pre-season tour of Ireland and testimonial against Spurs for Garry Hay… nothing definite though.
Barry Richmondwww.killiefc.comMOTHERWELLWITH little to play for, thoughts are already turning to next term. We will need to strengthen the squad but what of the three notable players that could well be leaving Fir Park? Between the posts Graeme Smith has had his critics but he has come on leaps and bounds recently. However, the signing of Michael Fraser on a pre-contract from Inverness suggests Smith is off.
Maros Klimpl may be known to clubs in Europe but that does not mean they will want him – just because he was exactly what we needed, doesn't mean he would fit in so well somewhere else.
Reports linking Stephen Hughes to Rangers are surely fantasies and a move to Tynecastle is of more concern. But with Hearts already possessing a solid midfield, we can cross our fingers he stays. So, two out of three ain't bad...
Derek Wilsonwww.firparkcorner.comRANGERSON A fine day for football a rather pedestrian display saw Rangers ease through to the cup final. St Mirren didn't turn up and Rangers did what they had to. Congratulations to Kris Boyd: no matter what people think of his all-round game, 100 goals in 146 games is a fantastic achievement. Also well done to Falkirk. Their gentleman of a manager hasn't deserved the criticism he's received lately. Well done, Yogi.
Before we can think of Hampden, we have five "cup finals" in the league (a cliché but it's true!). Mendes seems to have recovered from his injury, but Davis' superb display in central midfield will have given Walter something to think about.
All we fans want is to come out swinging these last few weeks – if we've really gone for it, there will be no complaints.
David Edgarwww.theRST.co.ukST MIRRENTHE cup dream is over for another year. We never got going on Saturday and rarely threatened the Rangers goal, which was incredibly disappointing. They were there for the taking and once again we were let down in the final third by poor supply.
You have to question why the pitch was watered after the players had been out for their warm-up, which led to several members of both sides slipping and sliding during the first half.
Admittedly, it doesn't explain why Pedro Mendes tried to half Will Haining and the decision to give a throw-in was the correct one.
It's back to the league for us this weekend and we have to beat Inverness Caley Thistle. Hopefully we'll threaten their goal a bit more and maybe even find the back of it.
Stuart Gillespiewww.saintmirren-mad.co.uk