SOME say George Clooney is responsible for this year's cancellation of the Golden Globe extravaganza. An NBC executive whinged: "We know Clooney is a major force behind this decision. He has been earbashing other (actors] who may have been willing to cross picket lines." (That's earbashing, from antipodean slang for talking incessantly. It pays to increase your word power, as they advise at Reader's Digest.)
This suggestion has been hotly denied, but it strikes me that Clooney should step up and take the credit. After all, by forcing the cancellation of this star-studded glitz-fest – and possibly the Oscars as well – he could easily go down as the year's
most effective eco-warrior, thus doing more planetary good in one "swell foop" than the combined efforts of those self-righteous preeners Geldof and Bono. And he's far less traumatic on the optical nerves.
On what do I base my assertion? Well, jump in anywhere. With the ceremony reduced to an hour-long, "scaled back news event", sans glamour, there will be fewer coiffure appointments that culminate in a blast of ozone-damaging hairspray.
The drop in mani-pedi sessions means less swipes of nail varnish, a chemical cocktail that may be beauty-enhancing, but stinks to high heaven, which is all I need to know to presume it's toxic to the environment. (That and the fact that the stuff's 70 per cent explosive, hence my switch to extra-long fireplace matches.)
No red carpet means no every-ten-minutes vacuuming sessions, so less strain on the electrical grid.
Other electrical advances will be made when millions of families around the world decide not to turn on their tellies, in favour of such homespun family entertainment as 'Pin the New Husband on Pammy Anderson' or wallpapering basement rumpus rooms with snaps of Britney Spears having meltdowns. By reapplying the kilowatts saved we should be able to supply free utilities to a great many disadvantaged schools.
Speaking of schools, think of all the Third World children who won't go blind from sewing thousands of sequins and teeny weeny beads onto hundreds of size 0 dresses that could very easily never see the kleig light of day, given fickle celebutards' propensity for last-minute hissy fits. Strictly speaking that's not an obvious green gain, but it's always possible that the reduced demand for cheap labour would liberate these kids from long days at the sweatshop, and they could go to school instead. Who knows – one of them could grow up to find the cure for, well, everything!
Gas-guzzling limos can stay in their garages, thus lowering air pollution levels. The same equation applies to the fuel savings we'll rack up by not shlepping ostentatious displays of rare blooms halfway around the world via airplanes and 18-wheel trucks. Foreign correspondents can stay put instead of taking to the skies in jumbo jets, and stars currently out of town filming or drumming up enthusiasm for their latest big-budget release won't need to be flown back into Tinseltown for a single night's revelries. I feel my lungs clearing already.
HBO and Warner Brothers/In Style have already cancelled their post-awards bashes and others may follow suit. That represents hundreds of thousands of dollars saved, which could be redirected to environmental causes personally selected by Al Gore or even Mr Clooney. Of course, in recognition of his services to the planet, George should get a special award. And a party. I'm happy to pop out of the organic cake.
The full article contains 598 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
