HOO-HA will get me thinking every time. And the hoo-ha in question has been this week's debate over whether or not Scotland's new Burns museum will be ready by 2009.
I'm not unduly ruminative about accommodation for the Bard's memory. What engages me is the aim to have this museum as a centrepiece for "The Homecoming" year.
The aim of the Homecoming is to entice the descendants of Scots living abroad back to
the motherland. It is, effectively, a giant family reunion. And it builds on a trend for reunions, itself a consequence of growing interest in genealogy.
My own extended family had a reunion last year. The Kennedys – my branch – come from mining stock in Blantyre, where my father squeezed into a miners' row cottage with his parents, his many sisters and brothers, and not a lot else.
A Kennedy sub-branch now exists in America, after one aunt fled Blantyre, preferring the stars and stripes to the mines. ("Y'awl related to the Kennedys?" comes the inevitable cry when we visit her. "Aye, they're from Blantyre," we answer. "That JFK used to play on the bing. Terrible state he got into.")
So, from the States, from England, from Glasgow, from Ayrshire, the Kennedys of Blantyre came.
We met at a hotel for a weekend of shared memories, fine dining and a ceilidh. And quite a few awkward silences. To anyone planning a reunion, I say this: do not rely on reminiscing to provide all conversation. If, as in the Kennedy case, the shy gene is encoded into your family's DNA, be prepared. National or otherwise, families reuniting need something to do.
They need entertainment.
Our answer was to write a TV show and present it as our centrepiece at the main meal (known as the Kennedy Gala Dinner, and always followed by remembrance of what that might have been in Blantyre. The consensus was mince).
The show was called "Have We Got Kennedy Reunion News for You". It was billed as "The Kennedy flagship news programme, beaming out to an audience of 30 (or so) across one room".
The script began: "Tonight, as several generations and branches of the same family are getting together, we'll be reporting on all the key events of the day.
First, the headlines…
BONG!
Fears are rising tonight at the Kennedy reunion … as it emerges another reunion is booked into the hotel this weekend. Currently getting together on a higher floor… are the Harvey Oswalds. Duck!
BONG!
More breaking news… Staff at reception have issued an official apology, after they tried to check 20 Kennedys into the same room upon arrival yesterday. The reservations manager says he'd overheard an anecdote about how many Kennedys used to share that hole-in-the-wall bed in Blantyre… and just assumed.
BONG!
Financial news just in… Two senior Kennedys are recovering after small talk revealed house prices in Blantyre have reached an all-time high. One miners' row cottage, they were told, went for £100,000. As they came round, the affected family members said they were sure their parents could have afforded a mortgage from that Bank of Scotland in Blantyre's main street. When their dad came back from the mine, wasn't their mum always saying he put the whole house "bloody well in the black"?
And finally… Given our strong US connections, a sign-off in the style of one of America's most famous news anchor men is appropriate… even more so, given that next we're all going ceilidh dancing. So, from the Kennedy Family Reunion News, it's goodnight… and good luck.''
You might prefer Burns to Bongs for your centrepiece. If so, let's hope the hoo-ha provokes action, as well as thoughts.
Geeks shall inherit the earth Green is the new silver. The environmental thumbprint of high-powered gadgets was being considered by techies at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.
Is Bluetooth green, they asked. Does extra RAM harm sheep? Gizmos were unveiled which promised more "planet-friendly twiddling": there was the Nokia Evolve, a handset made of used parts; a Fujitso Biblo PC, made partially of corn oil rather than plastic, and organic LED screens, which use less power.
Whatever next, eh? A laptop which actually is a wind-up, rather than its price? TVs that switch themselves off when Graham Norton comes on? It all makes me suspect that electronics could go the way of food. Consumers, seeking alternatives to supermarkets, shop at farmers' markets. How soon before gadgets are touted at Organic Geek markets on a Saturday morning?
&149 A launch by NASA is hardly unusual. But this time, it's a keep-fit video of astronauts. Isn't that just too easy a sell? Everyone feels weightless in space. If NASA fancies a challenge, how about heading into orbit with Jade Goody, the unlikeliest doyenne of exercise DVDs, and asking her to genuinely "drop a spacesuit size" in a mission. While pointing out to her – and other reality TV "celebrities" – what true stars look like.
They've got to be Gordons...CHERIE Blair's worst nightmare may come to life tomorrow, when Glasgow is filled with Gordon Browns. Well, Gordon Brown lookalikes. A film-maker is seeking dead ringers of the Prime Minister for a documentary.
Resemblance of Brown in his entirety seems quite a niche market and I wonder if the PM's anatomy might best be divvied up. In Notting Hill, for example, Julia Roberts talked of "butt doubles". Brown often appears uptight; could not anyone with clenched cheeks be cast as his rear? And what about a smile double? No, that grimace is unique. A temper double? Has someone else been seething behind the scenes for years? I foresee just one snag: it's possible no Gordon doppelgängers will actually make it through the door of the casting session. If any PM-alikes also share his personality traits, they'll be outside dithering. "Should I go in, or shouldn't I?"
The full article contains 1002 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
