Robert McNeil - By gum, this economics is a rum do, so best pop your teeth back in and smile

THERE'S panic at the pumps and mayhem at the malls. Yes, the nation is on edge. The word on every puckered lip is "crisis". Folk are even doon in the mooth because of a shortage of false teeth. I'm not being tongue in cheek – there are fears of six-month delays for toothless citizens who need new wallies. Already, the Army has been drafted in to drive tankers of liquefied foods to those areas particularly affected, mainly in the west of Scotland.

Who can afford wallies anyway? They're £300 a set, or £400 if you want to be able to speak clearly. No-one has any money any more, particularly the well-off. That's the story in the mid-market papers: "Middle classes hit by credit crisis." The econo...