NOEL Edmonds has spoken out! Yes, the situation in the United Kingdom – wot with crime, the credit crunch and everything – has become so serious that the bearded personality has no longer been able to contain himself. He has itemised "what's wrong with the country" in a shattering indictment of evil that should see the end of Broon's despotic rule by the weekend.
Addressing reporters in his garden shed, Mr Edmonds declared: "Something in our society has happened and someone needs to do something about it."
And yesterday, one senior judge said: "Something, eh? Someone, you say?"
As families fled for cov
er, Mr Edmonds identified one of the many something's wrong with this Chlamydia-addled country: politicians. Leading experts were stunned by this daring and original analysis. Here was somebody blaming politicians! One shocked psephologist said: "I've never heard anything like it in my puff."
Mr Edmonds said the politicians were out of touch with reality, as depicted in gritty shows such as Noel's House Party and Deal Or No Deal.
But it didn't end there. Noel was also scathing about the London congestion charge, which was sapping morale from Wick to Wolverhampton. Even people who had never been to London, he implied, were appalled by the charge, which made them sick.
Thirdly, health and safety zealots: they were spoiling things for everybody by trying to keep them alive. Fourthly, speed cameras: why don't they just bog off? Fifthly, gang culture: today, no middle-aged man is safe to go out and get squiffy without being set upon by skinny neds who need old ladies to get the lids off jam-jars for them.
Noel's remarks came as, coincidentally, he unveiled a new television show which will celebrate and reward random acts of kindness. The show, which good taste prevents The Scotsman from identifying, will also name and shame greedy and unpleasant citizens.
Yesterday, one top politician, who hoped to be named and shamed, said: "This could be the breakthrough we're looking for. Noel Edmonds is the nearest thing Britain has to Che Guevara. The young people idolise him and, if he makes a success of this, there's nothing to stop him becoming secretary of the Bank of England."
Although Noel Edmonds is 59 now, he shows no signs of slowing down or retiring to his native Belgium. His hectic lifestyle, coupled with his controversial leadership of the Anglican church, took its toll earlier this year, when he complained of a cold. But, generally speaking, his boundless energy and eye for a bargain have made him quite a rich person.
He has a car and a house and, while his bouffant hairdo is kept in place by a complicated structure of pins and grips, the rest of his head is thought to be entirely natural.
Yesterday, Broon's office sought to play down Edmonds's remarks. Someone claiming to be a Downing Street spokesman said: "Broon's Britain is a brilliant place to live. You can run and jump and everything. There are some great things in the shops and our national institutions, such as Lidl and Ikea, are going from strength to strength. We are grateful for Noel's support."
However, Labour campaigners in the forthcoming Glasgow East by-election were in despair. One said Edmonds was clearly a Nationalist sympathiser, while another said he would kick the television personality's head in if he ever saw him in Shettleston again.
Boris is right: Keep out of itBORIS Johnson may well be a buttock disguised as a man, but the fleshy London mayor is correct in his call for citizens not to help other citizens attacked by yobs. Most of us would never dream of aiding anyone in trouble. Knowing the lack of manners nowadays, they wouldn't thank you for it anyway. Then the police would charge you with "aggravated involvement", and a judge would imprison you pour encourager les autres. Yesterday, one chief constable, who did not wish to be identified for fear of attack, said: "Remember, going out only invites trouble. Stay at home with some nice lager and pay attention to the news bulletins. You will be informed when the situation changes."
The best way to rescue M&S from its ever decreasing circlesNO-ONE can be surprised at the news that Marks & Spencer is heading towards the abyss. This column has warned the controversial store repeatedly about where it is going wrong.
But, instead of heeding me, they'll hire another high-flying failure for a million poonds to identify the problems. Thus capitalism: clueless, irrational, hypocritical, and rubbish. Look, watch my lips. Problem area number one, the food: it's far too dear, and they put sugar on the oven chips. How can they justify chopping up a fraction of one bit of fruit, sticking it in a packet and charging three quid? I'm far too busy to cut up my own melons, but I'm damned if I'm spending all that money to have someone in India, or wherever it is, cut them up for me. And the sugar is a joke. They add it to fruit drinks and even oven chips, apparently unaware that many of us don't like it and that we check the ingredients before buying. They think we're just a bunch of thickies who'll never notice.
Problem area number two: claes. Here, the company has fallen between three stools. The first stool is the young. They'll never shop at Markies, so the store should stop pandering to them. The second stool is the middle-aged. They want the proper, ordinary clothes for which Markies used to be famous, but can't find them for all the beanie hats and codpieces aimed at the young. The third stool is the elderly. They also used to be good customers but, as this column has tirelessly pointed out (like a lone wolf howling in a car park), the elderly entirely disappeared from public life ten years ago, and are now never seen out anywhere. They are sedated and fed on intravenous drips by social workers. Either that or aliens took them away.
Given these three stools, Markies has some hard thinking to do if it's to redeem itself before a sceptical, credit-crunched country confused about what the company stands for. The solution is threefold: (1) Give away more items free. (2) Use Richard Briers to model the clothes. (3) Rescue the elderly from the aliens.
The full article contains 1081 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
