THE last full meeting of parliament this session discussed the Calman Omission yesterday. The narrow-ranging report with the big hole in the middle has had the whole nation talking, with fights breaking out in pubs and massive rallies held in many towns and villages.
As I fought through curiously invisible crowds to reach the gallery, Mike Russell, the constitution minister, was quoting Schwarzenegger. Not about Calman, as such. And no, it wasn't: "Don't be economic girlie men." Nor yet: "I think that gay marriag
e should be between a man and a woman." Nor even: "I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
Nope, Arnold's breathless remarks concerned Holyrood's climate change bill: "Scotland's ambitious and comprehensive targets encourage other nations to step up to the plate."
That's right, but they'll find we've cleared the plate already (see further announcements on our obesity targets).
Michael said the climate bill showed the good that Holyrood was already doing. But he said Calman offered nothing further politically, which prompted bitter Rhona Brankin (Lab) to mumble: "Rubbish!"
Michael: "I hear Rhona Brankin muttering, as usual. It's a noise I shall not miss during the recess. Far from it. I hope I don't start hallucinating about it."
Tory vision Annabel Goldie said Calman was a proper "national conversation", unlike the original Nat project of that name (to which the Omission was a churlish response). Michael asked the Tory leader why she wasn't keen on implementing Calman's key recommendations right away. Annabel said the Tories wanted to chew them over first. Crivvens, what's to chew? It's just a bunch of stuff about airguns and drink-driving.
Blustering to create a diversion, she proclaimed: "Presiding orifice, I am a committed unionist." Yes, she should be. And she added: "I am British and Scottish, and proud to be both." Uh-oh. British first, eh? Quel faux-pas énorme! Not that it's important. The whole thing is based on a fallacy. Even under independence, Scotland would still be British, a part of the British isles. It cannot not be British, a member of the community of nations of Britain, just as Norwegians remained Scandinavian when they split from Sweden. Honestly, it's like talking to children sometimes.
Nordic youngster Tavish Scott hopped off his galley and announced: "Let me start by saying: I am no unionist." I see (actually, I don't, but let's pretend). The Lib Dem leader clarified: "I am a federalist." Well, somebody's got to be. He said Liberals had always favoured Scottish home rule. That's right, as long as it's run from Westminster.
LISPING Wendy Alexander, the former Labour leader who first proposed the Omission, declared: "Thcots want conthenthuth tholutionths." Three times she accused the SNP of a "me, mythelf, I" approach. Aye, gawn yirsel, hen. She said Holyrood had given birth to Calman (yes, but it took artificial insemination), and she had this advice from experience for Scottish ministers wooing Westminster: "If you have a thceptical, hard-hearted and partithan approach, it thimply won't work." I see. You have to crawl.
Ian McKee (SNP) erupted: "Well, well, well, presiding orifice. What a pathetic sight we have before us today." Most days, mate. But why yesterday in particular? It was the spectacle, he said, of the three unionist parties "huddling together for warmth, sheltered only by their blanket of Calman against the storm of support for self-determination that is beginning to swell outside". That's funny. I was outside earlier. There were just some workmen clearing a pond.
Ian taunted Tavish, whose vaunted "federalism" was another option – like independence – not recognised in Calman's myopic gaze. Or as he put it: "not merely ignoring the elephant in the room but ignoring a whole herd of them".
John Park (Lab) raised his trunk to trumpet eloquently of "the winimum mage" and SNP "showboating and spindering". He observed further: "It is not a process that has its challenges." Yes, well I'm glad we cleared that lot up.
Linda Fabiani (SNP) complained about Calman designating Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy "the only banker in town". Ah, the old rhyming slang, eh? Calman, she said, gave Scotland responsibility with no control.
Which was fine with David McLetchie (Con), who declared proudly: "The report is by unionists for unionists." He bragged on: "I am a member of the only party in this parliament which is unionist by name and unionist by inclination. Like Annabel Goldie, I am Scottish and British." Ah, he was like Annabel Goldie, only backward.
KENNY Gibson (SNP) asked: "Why do the toffs and placemen on the commission have such a lack of faith in the Scottish people?" I don't know. Because the Scottish people are rubbish? Bob Doris (SNP) added that the Omission was an exercise in "unionist navel-gazing".
Which belly-aching brought us to the last Fat Minister's Questions of term, where the aforementioned Annabel resurrected the old worm-eaten refrain about "picking fights with Westminster", while Eck Salmond, the Fat Minister under advisement, declaimed a list of SNP achievements. Annabel derided these as "more emissions from the First Minister".
Crikey, better not let Arnie hear about these emissions. It's maybe just as well parliament has been terminated for summer.
The full article contains 866 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
