Sophia Windbag

Dear SW,

WOE is me. This credit crunch is an awful business. Not long ago, my husband's business was worth £100 million and I was boasting to anyone who would listen that we would soon be worth £1 billion, but since the economy took such a colossal nosedive, it's been a complete Turner-round.

Now we're being forced to sell our £5 million mansion, and I don't have One I Made Earlier to fall back on. Imagine, having to give up one's wine cellar, polo field and cinema – it's devastating. Perfect Housewife I may be, but cash-rich I am no longer and boy, does it sting. It's made me look a bit Flakey. I have been reduced to advertising household detergents, but I'm concerned that it'll be a slippery slope. What next? Promoting Mars Bars at my birthday party? Maltesers on my wedding anniversary?

Yours, Feeling-bluer-than-Blue-Peter, Surrey

Dear Feeling-bluer-than– Blue-Peter,

There's no such thing as the perfect housewife. When it comes to household chores, one should be constantly striving for perfection, never quite achieving it. But that's by the by. It surprises me you need telling that your whingeing sounds crass.

Granted, I too would be reluctant to give up my polo field, but in the current economic climate I'd keep my moaning to myself. And promoting chocolate bars doesn't sound so bad – think of the freebies. A moment on the lips may be a lifetime on the hips, but I do believe a year's supply of Maltesers could help me to change my mind about that particular mantra.

Quit complaining and be glad that the home cinema's gone; it simply screams "trash with cash", don't you know.

Problem solved, SW